to be honest
I did a thing these past weeks that for most of us is the most difficult thing – I was brutally honest with myself.
I have not been happy for a long time now. Sure a lot of non-social-media and instagram stuff was a reason too, but I am a person who puts a lot of stress on herself and soon fun became stress too and I just felt so exhausted on a daily base. I got so unhappy that I didn’t even want to stand up and go to work because I just had this list in my mind with all the things I have to do on a daily base.
- read the 15 books from your review tbr
- write those 15 reviews
- read your e-galleys (about 30) and review them
- work 40 hours a week
- meet up with your family
- clean the flat
- go vegan
- do yoga minimum 5 times a week
- take pictures
- post daily on instagram and minimum weekly on the blog
- stay updated on all the releases
- stay updated in all the algorithm and blogger groups
- socialize in real life
I know most of these make people happy, but I was so damn unhappy and step by step I had to find out what caused this damage in my daily life. So I listened to my inner voice.
And I did not see what I expected when I looked into myself. I am on instagram for nearly two years now. And when I started I’ve never expected to have around 2,5k Followers. I just wanted to start and have fun, meet bookworms and discuss books. But the farther up I got the more I wanted to get on the top. More followers and I wanted them fast. It probably doesn’t help, that most of my friends on bookstagram have 10k+ and have been a shorter time on bookstagram than I am.
I know that I am a really competitive and perfectionist person and I always have the highest expectations for myself – and that broke my neck on instagram. Because you can’t compare with your friends. That’s like bringing war on your family – it’s shitty and you know it.
So reason one was that I was sad about my not growing on bookstagram (yes I cared for the numbers, because who doesn’t dream to become a full-time blogger? I for sure do!) and that lead to comparing myself, my blog and my pictures to the accounts I loved and made me feel like shit in the end.
I also wanted to keep updated with all the releases and famous bloggers and authors. Everyone always seemed to have preorders the hottest releases and got them delivered right the day before release day. Well not me. Whenever I have preordered a book – it came about one month after release day, everyone had already posted the most amazing pictures and a new book was the latest shit. Who cares? Well I totally get, that these are first world problems, but aren’t all of my problems? I just wanted to get this off me, because I think I may not be the only person feeling like this. We cant be always up to date if we are not full-time bloggers or working for a publisher. I am always amazed when I see that these big bloggers got their shit together – but maybe they aren’t?
I felt like I only posted reviews and nothing else on my blog – and they got no interest or clicks at all. I have no illusion: I am not the funniest reviewer, or a hysteric reviewer or a detailed review – I just talk about my opinion and maybe that’s often just too boring. So I started to question my blog and my writing skills too. I started hating my poetry and the books I wrote and soon I even questioned my posts and stories too. I totally know, that this was something inside of me and no one else had a part in these negative thoughts, but they still came and I could do nothing against them.
I couldn’t keep up with all the books I wanted to read, or all of these amazing releases. And there were all the book birthdays, release days, cover releases and on and on and I always missed the train. Like literally 😀 I am like this in real life too. I never get my shit together and am always behind the hype, and I thought for a long time, that it makes me unlovable and that I am a bad blogger for it. But maybe I am just a slow blogger? And thats also fine?
Ive lost my spirit. And I guess that was the worst of all. All these tiny little reasons became so big and intriguing in my head and I spiraled down and down and talked myself into a bad space. Reading, Blogging and posting didn’t make me happy anymore – so I stopped.
I had to take some time off. Off social media and off myself. I tried to focus on being well and stopped posting and interacting at all. And it felt so freeing. In the past I always thought people somehow crazy when they stopped taking their social media account “serious”. What a fool I was!
Now I think completely different. And in my absence I realized, that yes people are following me for my aesthetic, but they are staying for ME. Because they like me and my content just like it is. And they follow bigger accounts for THEIR content and personality. And thats totally fine. No one is better or worse for their numbers or pictures. We are all the same, but also completely different and thats perfectly fine!
So social media and the community wasn’t even the problem in the beginning. It was me and my negative, spiraling thoughts. Why they are even existent is another story 😀 But whenever you feel like me , you have to realize, that you are perfect just as you are and that this kind of negativity should never have a place in your life 🙂
You are perfect as you are.
You are worth it.
You are loved.
Thank you all for all the support these past weeks, the pictures and the cute messages. Without you I would have needed lots more time to realize that I am loved just as I am.
I love you all!