Be prepared – this is a really personal post for me and I hope that you will like it nonetheless and maybe leave a comment, why you started reading books 🙂
There was a time, where I wasn’t that happy and honest with myself and my life. There was a time where I loved and lost myself. There was a time, where I lost myself and didn’t even know, who I was and who I wanted to be. There was a time, where I lost my very heart – and found another one, lying before me, printed on pages, that saved my life.
But we should start at the beginning.
I always loved books. Really always. When I was little I’ve acted like I read together with my mum, sitting in her lap and tracing the lines, like I would be reading them. Then four year old chubby me snatched the book out of mammas hands and told her I would learn “reading silent” now like she did. I never really understood how she managed to read all these words without speaking them out loud. It was a miracle I was determined to do myself. So she brought me books, lots of them, and instead of reading them TO me, we read them together. I loved the stories of the little king, the little witch or the little ghost. But everything was so little. So I started reading books for kids in school when I was five, and finished my first Harry Potter when I was about seven or eight. I always carried books around with me, I’ve always read, but some years later boys and friends and fashion got a bit more interesting than books, and so I left the books at home, Read only, when others couldn’t see me, cause they laughed about me. How shy I was, and that I would rather be reading than talking and playing with them. I hated that. So the new release of the Harry Potter books and my obsession with them became a secret and I stopped talking about one of the most important things in my life.
Then came the day I fell in love. And I’ve not only lost my obsession for books, but for everything else in my life, too, not regarding him. He was the most important instance in my life, and piece for piece, I’ve even lost myself in him. Who I was, my dreams for the future, my caring heart for friends and family – and I became something else. A person that was dependent on him, weak and fearful. And I hated who I became, but I never changed anything. I won’t pull this string too long, cause its painful and way too personal. But being together with him broke me in pieces. And after some really heavy stuff I carried my pieces and courage together and left the poison that flooded my blood behind. I don’t like talking bad about other peoples, but sometimes I’ll make an exception, when I see an evil soul in someone. He was an addiction and disease for me, and like every victim of addiction, I fell into a hole after I left him.
I did not want to eat, sleep or go out afterward. I’ve lost about ten pounds and my friends called me a living dead. Some people may have called me overdramatic, others maybe share my experience and know, what I am talking about. A lot of them called me weak, not knowing, how much of me was lost and left behind, and how much I had to built up from the beginning on. Today, after I told them the whole story, all the little ugly parts, they think otherwise. I hope you are one of the persons that understand, that I never wanted pity but peace. And so I searched for something that would silent my screaming mind and hurting heart. Something that would dull the pain and take me away. I was never one for depression, though I was really unhappy! And let me say to all of you: whenever you think you don’t want to live anymore, no matter why, always remember yourself: There is always something or someone to keep living for! 🙂 Trust me.
And so I picked up a book in the dark night hours, where my mind was the loudest thing together with me. And slowly, slowly, my mind got at ease. It only whispered to me when I stopped reading, and stayed silent whenever my eyes found the lines and my thoughts jumped into a new world, printed into the pages before me. I found fun again in my life. I swallowed books like candy, and I know that sounds a bit unhealthy 😀 – but I swapped one obsession with another one, and found the peace I desperately needed. I never apologized for reading instead of talking anymore. I’ve spend all my money for books, because lets be honest – it was the only thing that could make me happy these days. That does not mean you don’t need human interaction, family and friends in your life! You do. But sometimes the silence of books will understand you better, when no one else does 😉
And after some time, I did not feel alone anymore. I found this amazing community, with all these wonderful and caring people, who had the same obsession as me. People that shared my love for fictional characters and books – and I started living two lives. And sometimes, I felt more at home in all these books and chats, than I ever did in real life. Today I feel different. I am changed. I am more balanced and manage to work on both parts of my life. I do not only focus on books or humans anymore, but carry both inside my heart. I’ve lost myself one day – but found a better me inside the pages of my books 🙂
Thank you so much for reading this and always supporting me!
If you liked this post, maybe leave a comment with your own story 🙂 It won’t have to be as personal as mine.