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Why do we friendzone even the boys in books?

Its a long never-ending loop of envy and sadness. We all know about this mysterious thing: The friendzone.

Who of us hasn’t been there, or pushed someone into this void? I definitely have – a million times – with all the nice guys in books. But why? – is the big question here. Why does Mare not choose Kilorn. Why do we all hate Tamlin the exact moment Rhysand arrives and how the hell did Ron manage to climb out of this personal hell? Questions over questions! 😀


First I asked you, to tell me, why you friendzoned or would friend zone someone, and I’ve got some really  good answers 😉

“If they were being pushy and making me feel uncomfortable by their advance.”


“If I don’t see a future as a partner of someone, I’d friend zone them. (…) The difference here, I believe, lies in the reaction and initial intention to the other person. (…)  Sometimes I don’t even get when someone wants to date me. We call that “Having a plate in front of your head” in dutch.”


“If I don’t want to destroy the friendship or don’t have feelings for him/ her. Also if my best friend or sister/brother would be into the person or if someone just wants o get better over a breakup through me.”


“If I would be afraid of commitment.”

I took a better look at the whole scenery. In real life and in books and was trying to find an explanation. Why do we put people into it, and how can they come out of it? Especially with all of our book boyfriends/ Girlfriends in mind. 

I have one answer: Being a hero. Sounds easy? It isn’t.

All the circumstances under which we friend zone someone in real life. Can they also apply to the characters in books that we friend zone aswell? We are all guilty of that!

So let us look into that a bit more. How does it even happen and why?


  1. Being the perfect guy/ girl

How often do we search for Mr. Perfect, and how often is he really perfect? You’re totally right: Never! Cause we don’t want Mr. Perfect, who always says the right thing, never does something wrong and is good looking as hell. We want someone with flaws, with problems we can solve, and adventures we can experience together. Perfect people let us feel insecure, ugly and not good enough. That’s why every sane girl falls for the scarred, dark haired villain in the story. 

Okay I am joking, but some itsy bits are true depending on that comment. I mean do I, as a modern woman, even a feminist, really want a guy who does everything for me? Who lets me feel weak and useless, cause he is everything the world needs? Who acts always perfect, when I am not? Who is kind when I want to argue? NO!

I guess its just not in the human nature to be perfect or bear perfectness. We want someone just as flawed and complicated as ourselves, so we can rescue and repair each other in the process of falling in love.

The same applies for book characters. No one loves Mal (Shadow and Bone) in the first place when he is described as just perfect. But we like him later, when he is broken, in love and torn between two sides. Even our beloved Rhysand is far away from perfect – and maybe thats just what makes him PERFECT! That he stayed alive and still managed to try to fix others while trying to fix himself. It’s what makes characters relatable for us. What makes them human in our opinion. Why chooses Mare Cal and not Kilorn? Cause it would be too easy, too convenient, too normal. Something she is not and will never be again. Sometimes the right person to choose is just someone, who is just as broken as you, cause he will understand you the best. Yes that’s dark, but somehow true, isn’t it ?



          2.  Being the nice guy 

Yeah thats a tough one. Thinking of Simon (The Mortal Instruments), we just know what we are talking about. Yes he climbed out of the friend zone, but what was the price? He acted like a hero. And here we are. Nice guys are only interesting, if they transform to superheroes. I know I am right. If we can’t have the villain we want the hero. We all have that nice neighbor we know for years now, and we never really realized him as a male being (same for girls for sure!), and then he comes, rescuing your small kitty or helping with your car – and here he is – our newborn hero 😉 Thats when the nice guys in books become interesting – when they die for the love of their life, lose an eye or kill the villain, blood still dripping from him. You all know what I am talking about. But what if he wants a date before proving what he can become? 

Right! We friend zone him.

Being alway kind and nice is just not enough. It is too boring! We need someone who we can laugh and cry with, someone to argue and make fun with. A butler can be ever nice, but not our boyfriend/ girlfriend. So if we don’t need the nice guys in real life, why should we need the in books?

They are the authors compasses for good and bad. We know who the villain is, cause we can definetly tell who acts like the nice guy. But this special guy, who always will do the right thing, never waver, never fall – will never get the girl – because he does not transform in any direction.

That’s the Ron – Moment. Hermione and Ron danced around each other in a never ending waltz of idiocy and unspoken words. But after years of that, he acts super stupid, leaves her alone, only to appear in a heroic matter and get the girl he loves. Its the hero moment that made Ron worth Hermiones attention and love. ( I know probably you will speak against that – but let us believe it for a moment)



     3.  He / she just doesn’t like you

We all know this one person. The one person who tells you he/ she likes you and you’re like “What the hell?”. We don’t have to like everyone and lest fall in love with them! You are not supposed to say yes to a date, or worse a relationship, just because someone asks you.

Maybe that’s because he felt like he had the right to have that date. Like he had a coupon that said “One free date with “xy”.” (…)

Is Kilorn angry at Mare because she doesn’t want him? Hell yes! But thats his problem. She is not obliged to date him or like him like that. Like Tamlin does not own Feyre cause he had her first.  Elias must not fall in love with Helene and Harry does not have to choose or reject Ginny only because she fell in love with him first. Its not okay to expect the villain to be a good, loving guy in the end – but also: the good guy does not deserve the girl ONLY cause he is friendly or supporting. That’s bullshit. Every Character has to earn our love with his actions and words and not only because the author made him the nice guy everyone should love. I mean I love Gansel from the “Raven boys” a lot. BUT I know we all are suckers for Ronan. Was he ever really verbally nice to Adam? I don’t think so, but he never behaved bad either. Sometimes you can’t divide between good and bad, sometimes its only a mixture or the characters characteristic treats, not his “niceness”.



So maybe ( only maybe) we have to give the “friendly” type of guys a second chance, because they could become a hero, a rescuer, the right one, even for the brave girls/ boys in the books. Maybe sometimes being ever brave means, you need a “good” counterweight, or just someone to root you. Only literally for sure. I found myself often enough disliking the good guy in the first place and liking the chaotic mess of a later villain. And often enough in the end I asked myself: why are you like that? Just as in real life boys and girls, we all know the truth, we take the wrong decisions. But like we question our decisions and actions in real life, maybe we should also consider it false to only like the bad guys in our favorite books. I mean Julian Blackthorne? Come on who could not love him? Kell Maresh, August Flint, Chaol Westfall, Percy Jackson and last but not least: Jem Carstairs! I can see a pattern. 😉 Some authors just know what we need to also like the good guys – and we definetly obey – SOMETIMES.

Like in real life, love isn’t not given easy 😉

What character have you immediately friendzoned in a book ?  Tell me here in the comments ♥

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